Dear Tooth Fairy,

When I was little and woke up to a dollar each morning after I had put a freshly snatched tooth under my pillow, I was elated. A reward for something so semi-easy to do! Most of my teeth fell out on their own (although I do remember trying the whole string connected to tooth and doorknob trick & don't recommend it) which made the reward almost for nothing.

That is just it. Nothing is completely the wrong word. The idea of nothing has me considering dropping the whole stay-at-home-mom gig to become a full-time lobbyist at the "Congress of Tooth Fairiness" for higher teeth prices. I now FULLY realize that the nothing that has existed in my mind for so many years in reference to the amount of work a tooth actually requires from its owner should actually be called "the most horrible 2 months of letting huge chunks of white razors slowly move through the gums of a poor child who has no understanding of what is going on but does know that he has a fever, CRABBINESS, diarrhea, diaper rash that subsequently turned into a mild yeast infection, loss of appetite, and trouble sleeping...followed by flat-out denial of any medical staff to the existence of any adverse side effects of teething."

The idea that the tooth responsible for such insanity in households across the world is worth a dollar is ridiculous. After what I have just witnessed (and hopefully finished with for the time being), I am thinking a twenty per pearly white would just begin the negotiations.